Things Married People Talk About

27 Jan


Welcome to the inner sanctum. That magical world INSIDE those regular old suburban houses (or apartments, trailers, what have you) where two people have committed themselves to each other for a lifetime then have a lifetime of conversation . I hereforth offer a sampling of what two such people (that would be Mr. B. and myself) actually talk about, in no particular order.

  1. “You know, it’s finally gotten to the point that I prefer yogurt to sour cream.”
  2. “You could put that cheese that’s on the counter in the refrigerator. Are you going to put that cheese away? The cheese that’s on the counter? Right next to you. The MOZZARELLA. All right, forget it. I’ll put the cheese away. ”
  3. “How come two socks go in and one sock comes out? Why is my life filled with singletons?”
  4. “Is there a place where we keep, like, envelopes? I don’t know what kind. The regular kind.”
  5. “Don’t you know you can’t put the NEW cans in front? You have to ROTATE the stock.”
  6. “Can you pleeeeeasse help me find my keys? No, I didn’t put them away in the regular place. What does that even MEAN, regular place? Oh god, please don’t tell me about the keyhook again.”
  7. Your nose is a little, um. . . here’s a tissue.”
  8. “You want to order in the Greek or the Turkish? No, you decide. No really. It’s too hard for me to decide right now. They’re too different.”
  9. “Someday I’m going to eat pancakes for dinner and you won’t be able to stop me. Because they are delicious for dinner. They ARE.”

10. “Here, let me get that schmutz on your cheek and you’ll be perfect. And wait, how do you get it in your hair? And your ear?”

11. “Is just using panko bread crumbs too boring?”

12. “Who’s going to open the window? It’s so hot in here, it would be so nice if somebody opened the window. I really wish there was a way that would happen. Because then I wouldn’t have to talk. I would just sleep. Without talking about how hot it is. Because it’s soooo hot without the window open.”

13. “I’m really flattered you think that’s my actual size.”

14. “How can you possibly think your family is crazier than my family?”

  1. 15.  “You just think you’re superior to me because you know who that princess is who’s having the baby in like, Europe.”

16. “Wow, there are even more collard greens in the garden? Does that make it 21 days straight of collard greens? I’m soo lucky.”

17. “What do you do, soak your feet in an ice bucket before you crawl into bed?”

18. “No, you take a left on Woodland. Not that left, the other left. You know what I mean.”

19. “Remember, ladies don’t like it when they sit on your lap and you make a sound as if you’re being crushed like an elephant.”

20. (after I had two actual alcoholic drinks—well above my usual zero– including my first scotch ever). “You are like Shuperman. How did you even think to park on this block? It’s the shmartest thing in the world. And you’re so handshome. How do you drive and be handshome at the shame time? It’s . . . . “ (snore)

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