Did you ever wonder what it was like to feel like crap? Probably not. If you’re like most people, i.e., everyone, you’ve probably felt like crap. And if you aren’t feeling like crap, you probably don’t want to remember it. But have I not seen eight million motivational infographics on the importance of living in the moment? Well, friends, if one if going to live in the moment, one is not always going to be doing meditation by the ocean and feeling full of vibrant life energy. Sometimes the moment is being in a sucky meeting where some halfwit is publicly berating you for a typo on a meaningless report. Sometimes the moment is yes, that is YOUR screaming brat on the overstuffed airplane. Sometimes the moment is when you’re desperately searching around on the laptop for an amusing viral video to watch with one hand while you’re holding your syringe filled with methotrexate in the other, getting the nerve up to jam it into your leg. Sometimes the moment is that moment when you actually do jam it into your leg and it actually hurts and you say “OW!” and think DAMN it, and feel mad at yourself because why are you being such a goddamned wimp. It shouldn’t hurt that much. It only hurts that much if I hurt in too many other ways. Right now, some of the vertebrae in my neck are sore and swollen, and my feet hurt, and my tongue is sore, strangely enough, and I’m very tired, and when that many things confuse my senses, I have less resilience against small irritations like a tiny needle.
Today I am feeling like crap because I had two main things I wanted to do: go to a new acupuncturist and go to visit a friend who is very charming and smart and who has terminal cancer. That, and of course, having an inflammatory autoimmune disease. But I digress. This morning I woke up at 4:00 a.m. feeling very sick to my stomach. After 8:30, I fell asleep for an hour in my kitchen reading nook, but had were strange, disturbed dreams. I also had a sore throat and shivers, as I often do these days. And I was still sick to my stomach. I have been lying in my nook looking at the windows that I have decorated with hundreds of strands of woven yarn (compulsive art project), looking at the green trees beyond, and up at the hemlock tree that I can see through the skylight. I see a brass bell I bought at a castle in Germany. I see a vase full of small glass beads that I want to string, and a glass of water that looks too tiring to drink. I see the phone. I want to call my friend but it feels too tiring to talk to anyone. I would only whine anyway. It took me hours to tell the acupuncturist I couldn’t come. He was nice. He said, “Try drinking coke. If you still feel sick later, you could try chewing Juicy Fruit gum and swallowing it. It’s very binding.” I laughed. “That’s the best Alternative Medical advice I ever heard,” I said. “I’m definitely trying that.” Said it sounded better than a kale smoothie. “You DEFINITELY do not need a kale smoothie right now.”
I feel guilty for not seeing the acupuncturist and my friend. But I don’t want to spread my germs. And I can’t imagine summoning the energy to get into a car and driving it. I’m sweating and shivering. My stomach is a knot of pain. My eyes are half-closed and gravity feels as if it’s crushing me onto the cushion. My neck is throbbing. All around me, grown-ups are doing useful things. I’m just living in the moment. The crappy, but real, moment.
Writing Prompt: Do you ever have times when you feel like crap? Go ahead. WHINE.