Tag Archives: men

Talking Schnauzers and Other Matters: A Conversation with Jacob

7 Mar


Jacob, blowing some much needed bubbles in NYC


Child Number 2 is going to be heading off for a big adventure in three weeks, after he graduates from cooking school. In fact, today he has to take a big test where he cuts potatoes into various sizes of cubes (a fine brunoise?) and juliennes so he’s in a state of terror. This morning he woke me up at something like minus zero o’clock to beg a ride from me for school because he missed his class. I loathed him so much at that hour that he was actually forced to make tea and dip into his deep well of charm and entertain me, as I slowly woke up while hurtling along the Jersey Turnpike at 70 mph. But as I came to consciousness, I realized how differently I talk to each of my sons. When Jacob was two or less, my bff Julie said, “He’s a baby absurdist!!” and she nailed it. So, here’s today’s conversation.

“MOM. Would you rather have somebody who was always a man or someone who stayed a baby forever?”

“A man, of course. Men are interesting. But can I ADOPT? I don’t want to give birth to someone larger than I am.”

“It would be magic. And he would already be wearing clothes”

“A fetching bathing suit is enough. We can go to Kohls. I have a coupon.”

“Are you sure?” he asked. “Babies are cute and they have those little fingers.”

“No, grown-ups are cuter,” I say. “Besides, diapers.”

“He’ll change his own diapers.”

“That seems a little wasteful, but okay.”

“Actually,” he says. “What I really want is a talking animal.”

“Bad news, honey. There WERE talking dogs. They had really big eyes, too. But they pooped on the rug too much. So they all killed.”

“All dogs do that!” he said.

“And they were all Schnauzers, too. Talking Schnauzers. To tell you the truth, I was the one who killed them all.”

“Oh man, Mom! And Schnauzers are the cutest.”

“Uncle Neil’s Schnauzer’s slippers were the cutest, weren’t they?” We take a minute to sigh at the cuteness of Uncle Neil in his slippers.

“But Mom. Why did you really kill all the talking Schnauzers.”

“Because my grandchildren are not going to be talking Schnauzers. I want REAL grandchildren. That’s why I had you. So you can fork over some REAL grandchildren.”
“Actually,” he said, “I think I want a cow. Just a little one. Or a pig.”

Man, I’m going to miss that kid.


Writing Prompt: capture a conversation—yours or someone else’s.