Five Crappy Life Hacks That Will Make You Want to Lie on The Couch and Eat Pork Rinds

26 Sep
sad computer desk Craigslist free

Dept. of Not Bitter: Nobody wants this sad, outdated, oversized, (now) rained-upon computer desk we offered on Craigslist for the price of $0.00, and we know, because it’s still right on the front curb.

Today I was reading Lifehacker.com. I read it because in between the incomprehensible hacks for upgrading your Quasimodo or whatever the latest technology of the day is, they sometimes tell you something useful. I read a piece of advice today that made me go, “Say WHAT, girlfriend?” out loud, doing the appropriate headshake.

That piece of advice was, if it’s too annoying to list everything you want to get rid of on Craigslist, just list one object a week. What is wrong with the advice? Basically, it means that you will be dealing with jackasses who say they’re coming and don’t come, and who find out your address, and who are otherwise irritating and even if they are nice you’ll never see them again SEVEN DAYS A WEEK. EVERY week. So basically, you’re living with the hellish worst of Craigslistery all the time forever. I know this to be true. We at this very moment have an oversized desk on the curb that we have offered for free on Craigslist and no fool has seen fit to take it. So whoever thought of that brilliant idea, basta!

Believe it or not, that’s not the only piece of what I in my infinite all-seeing wisdom consider foolish advice. Here are few more samples. For example . .  .

Life Hack Number 2 (from 1000lifehacks.com) Hideous “Pizza” for cheap.

tumblr_ncd76e8U891sa4vz3o1_500-1

Wow. Twenty-five percent off your order. Your order of WHAT? Your order of cardboard slathered with god knows what. As a proud resident of the Garden State, I can assure you that I know what pizza is and what it is not. And Papa John’s is what it is not. What do you think Tony Soprano would do if someone gave HIM a slice of Papa John’s. I suspect that the Meadowlands water level would be raised slightly the next day and the words “cement overshoes” would be used without irony.

Life Hack Number 3: Bobby Pins On Parade

Bad Life Hacks

Bobby pins on a magnetic strip. Crafting gone mad.

 

I’m sorry I can’t give credit, because I forget where this comes from and it’s everywhere on Pinterest, but dear god, whyput your bobby pins on a magnetic strip? Is it because Bobby pins are so freaking popular that every girl has to have a zillion of them? Honestly, when I find myself out and about, the percentage of women I know wearing bobby pins is about, say, 1 out of 100. I actually see more MEN with bobby pins, to keep their yarmulkes attached to their heads. But generally speaking, the bobby pin is just not as popular as it was in the 1960s. But secondly, those suckers are ugly. Why does everyone have to look at your entire box of bobby pins when they could practically fit in a tic tac box (or, dare I say it, their own box) and be shoved in a drawer? And do you really need to put up all 200 at a time when even the most crazed bun maker probably uses 10 at most? Just because they’re metal and stick to magnets does not mean they need to be displayed like prized heirlooms.

Life Hack #4: Chew Gum

Chomping away on that stick of Juicyfruit is definitely going to give you that high-class demeanor you seek in nerve wracking situations.

Chomping away on that stick of Juicyfruit is definitely going to give you that high-class demeanor you seek in nerve wracking situations.

Okay, maybe some frantic chewing may be in order if you’re a cop in a high-speed chase, but you know what makes people nervous? Going on first dates. Going on job interviews. Meeting new people. Walking the carpet at the Oscars. Giving speeches. Giving your deposition about why you were not guilty of murder because you were committing adultery at that moment. Situations where you’re trying to make a good impression. Have you ever taken a look at people as they are chewing gum? Who are displaying Gum Face, not Game Face? Aside from the fact it’s a dead giveaway that you probably ARE as nervous as hell, it’s just not gonna get you where you wanna go.

Life Hack #5

Yes, Mother.

Yes, Mother.

Oh, all right, some of this is probably sensible, though I’m not sure what some of it has to do with headaches. But at least it totally contradicts the last Life Hack. Besides, slouching is awesome.

Writing Prompt: Heard of any needless, foolish, or wrongheaded Life Hacks lately?

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One Response to “Five Crappy Life Hacks That Will Make You Want to Lie on The Couch and Eat Pork Rinds”

  1. Julie Goldberg September 26, 2014 at 12:31 pm #

    1. You have to slog through a lot of ridiculous ideas to get to the One Good Lifehack that will actually save you time and/or aggravation.

    2. Ahem. I use bobby pins just about every day. No magnetic strip necessary, though. You hide them in your hair. No one knows.

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