10 Tips from One of My Fave Joints: The Rheumatologist’s Waiting Room

iii Cervical Spine, Beeyotches!
(By Dr Kien caoxuan[Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

One of the many fun things about going to my rheumatologist, besides the engaging wall charts of spines and horrible inflammatory diseases, is of course, Magazines. Woohoo! Just so y’alls don’t feel like you’re missing out, here are 10 handy tips—or Life Hacks, if you prefer—I learned at the office, although they say them more nicely than I do and with prettier pictures.

1. When you’re traveling on a plane, wear silk. It will let you slip around more comfortably than a pair of jeans in a tight seat.
2. Put your plastic wrap in the freezer and it will theoretically be less sticky when you take it out. Though, presumably, more frozen.
3. Save Carbs for dinner. Some study from somewhere said so. (Though I just read another story that said save carbs for breakfast . . . and anyway, another that said, “If you’re just eating yogurt and berries for breakfast, you aren’t doing yourself any favors.” . . . and another saying oatmeal! Must eat Oatmeal!)
4. Look at flowers in the morning. A study from HARVARD says it makes people full of pep all damn day long. (Until your soul is crushed just a little more by life of permanent internships in post-employment America . . . )
5. Put a bell on your dog, cat, ferret, or Vietnamese pot bellied pig, because people are always tripping over their damned pets. However, don’t get mad if pet has full-blown psychotic episode, as I would if someone slapped equivalent of set of windchimes around my neck.
6. Before you go to a mall, look at a map of the mall online. However, once you get there, beware of Mall Vortex Syndrome which, map or no map, will prevent you from finding an exit. You will never find one until you pay the magic price of eating a 750 calorie Cinnabon or buying some 75 buck wonderpillow from Hammacher Schlemmer. . [Bonus tip from me: before going to the mall, try to remember the color of your car, and remember to leave a lot of familiar looking crap in the backseat so you can recognize if it’s yours. Others have told me that finding their keys is an effective aid in car retrieval, but since the parking lot is so full of chirping car noises from the hordes of other car searchers pressing their keys, it’s like looking for your pup in a bat cave—yes, a baby bat is called a pup!)
7. If you don’t want to spend your dough on those high-priced gift bags, you can wrap your presents in plastic wrap. Ice cold plastic wrap. [Question/bonus tip: Not sure why wrapping presents in see-through substance is good idea? Kinda takes away element of suspense, no? Might as well just leave them in the damn Kohl’s bag–whoever gets a present is lucky to get one anyway and you can just say in superior manner, “I love the environment.”]
8. Cigarettes, as it so happens, are not that good for you. Because, bones.
9. Just put on your gym clothes. After a while, you will feel so stupid that you are not at the gym, considering you’re wearing those infamous see-through yoga pants and all, that you might EVENTUALLY be inspired to go for a five minute walk.
10. Flu can spread at least six feet, so stay at least that far away from the filth that is the rest of humanity. (Go Team Misanthrope)

 

Okay, thank you doctor’s office for the tipspiration! Otherwise, I would have to search long and hard on the internet for Life Tips, because Lord knows, it’s hard to find any there.

 

Writing Prompt: And what Life Hack would YOU care to share today?