Curses for my Enemies: for Food, Home, Work, and Transportation

Because my mood is darker than this December night, I thought I would cheer myself up doing something positive. Since I don’t feel like doing a craft, I thought I wish the worst on my enemies. I don’t actually have a lot of enemies and I don’t feel overly enraged by the ones I do have, so I can’t make myself wish anything too dire. But since I am in a cranky mood, here are twenty bad wishes:

Food:

1. May your spaghetti strands stick together in a thick, cold, glutinous lump.
2. May your lovingly hand-crafted artisanal tart be ignored in favor of your least favorite cousin’s Sarah Lee Pumpkin Pie with Kool whip at Christmas.
3. May you always forget to buy avocadoes at least two days before making guacamole.
4. May your burn the cookies that you couldn’t bake until midnight for the church party, and may you be out of flour to make more.
5. May you add sugar instead of salt to your beef bourgignon.

Home:

1. May you realize that the room you just painted is not “rose,” it’s “bubblegum pink.”
2. .May your spouse’s idea of decoration include antlers.
3. May one of each of your children’s pairs of shoes be lost.
4. May your toddler throw a Matchbox car down the toilet.
5. May there be a mysterious stench from behind the walls that lingers for months.

Work:

1. May you lose that one piece of paper you can’t lose.
2. May your kids call 15 times a day because they are fighting about what channel, and may your boss always hear you.
3. May you be asked, “What do you think about the Blah Blah proposal,” when you have secretly been doing a Soduku hidden in a folder for the last 15 minutes.
4. May you forget to check if you blew your nose before your next big presentation.
5. May your cubicle be next to the farter’s. .

 

Transportation:

1. May you always see the taillights of the bus as it pulls away while your lungs burn from running after it.
2. May your toddler tell the officer who pulls you over, “You have a big fat tummy.”
3. May you spill your cherry Slushie in your lap while you’re wearing white pants when you turn a corner.
4. May there be no “417” Main Street—GPS or no GPS.
5. May you think there’s one more seat on the bus, but it was only a short person you didn’t see, and you have to stand for two hours and the bus right behind yours was empty.