Because my mood is darker than this December night, I thought I would cheer myself up doing something positive. Since I don’t feel like doing a craft, I thought I wish the worst on my enemies. I don’t actually have a lot of enemies and I don’t feel overly enraged by the ones I do have, so I can’t make myself wish anything too dire. But since I am in a cranky mood, here are twenty bad wishes:
Food:
- May your spaghetti strands stick together in a thick, cold, glutinous lump.
- May your lovingly hand-crafted artisanal tart be ignored in favor of your least favorite cousin’s Sarah Lee Pumpkin Pie with Kool whip at Christmas.
- May you always forget to buy avocadoes at least two days before making guacamole.
- May your burn the cookies that you couldn’t bake until midnight for the church party, and may you be out of flour to make more.
- May you add sugar instead of salt to your beef bourgignon.
Home:
- May you realize that the room you just painted is not “rose,” it’s “bubblegum pink.”
- .May your spouse’s idea of decoration include antlers.
- May one of each of your children’s pairs of shoes be lost.
- May your toddler throw a Matchbox car down the toilet.
- May there be a mysterious stench from behind the walls that lingers for months.
Work:
- May you lose that one piece of paper you can’t lose.
- May your kids call 15 times a day because they are fighting about what channel, and may your boss always hear you.
- May you be asked, “What do you think about the Blah Blah proposal,” when you have secretly been doing a Soduku hidden in a folder for the last 15 minutes.
- May you forget to check if you blew your nose before your next big presentation.
- May your cubicle be next to the farter’s. .
Transportation:
- May you always see the taillights of the bus as it pulls away while your lungs burn from running after it.
- May your toddler tell the officer who pulls you over, “You have a big fat tummy.”
- May you spill your cherry Slushie in your lap while you’re wearing white pants when you turn a corner.
- May there be no “417” Main Street—GPS or no GPS.
- May you think there’s one more seat on the bus, but it was only a short person you didn’t see, and you have to stand for two hours and the bus right behind yours was empty.
Leave a Reply