The Long Ride Home from Grammy’s House

26 Nov

B. sees Christmas decorations on house. “Oh my god, now it’s literally Christmas season. We have to hear Christmas music.”

M: Do you hate Christmas?

B: I just hate the materialism. Maybe we should have a non-materialistic Christmas.

Three voices: REeeeeeeeeeeallllllllllly?

M: Gee, Dad, maybe you could crochet me a really crappy oven mitt, one that has to be handwashed. Or gently dabbed with water.

J: I know, I’ll give you a make-your-own birdfeeder kit. It will have a pine cone and a jar of peanut butter in it. And a string.

A: Don’t you think it would be easier if you just threw a couple of bucks in there for the peanut butter? You might get the wrong kind.

M: How do the birds stay on the feeder anyway?

J: Maybe you should put peanut butter and glitter on it. Then it will be more attractive to the birds.

A: That’s how you catch girls, not birds. Girls love glitter. And peanut butter.

J: But you have to watch them from a distance, because they’re very skittish.”

B: I hope you people like birds, because I bought a 50 lb. bag of birdseed.

J: Why don’t you plant it?

M: We have enough birds already.

J: Wait. That’s not how it works.

M: Oh my god J., are you seriously going to scrape your fingernails on the fabric of the seat like that?

J: You are an OLD MAN.

M: Mom, you know the way you act in public? It’s kind of insane. But luckily, you’re old enough to get away with it.

A.: Thanks, M. I think.

M: Oh god, could someone turn off the “aux” on the radio? The high-pitched noise is killing me.

J: Only you would notice that, grandpa.

M: And then you scrape your fingernails on the ceiling. You’re moving your hand above my head on the most unpleasant fabric possible.

J: What kind of car are you ever going to buy? All plastic seats?

A: But the backs of your legs will stick.

“What is this bumper sticker ‘got poi’”? B. scoffs. “’Got milk’ should sue. Enough already with the poi.”

J: Mom, do your earrings smell weird? Is it okay if earrings smell weird? And yellow pus comes out? I was just wondering if that was a BAD thing.

A: Are you toying with me? Please tell me you’re toying with me.

(Break for discussion about M.’s latest art history paper Postmodernism v. modernism, Derrida, Man Ray, Jasper Johns was difficult case, etc. Oh where would you put like Emily Dickinson, blah blah) Return to real conversation:

M: Why are you watching Adventuretime? It sounds like a children’s show.”

J: No way. It’s very unusual.””

M: Does it have animals talking? Does it have Mr. Jinglepants?

 (Boys fight in back, punching each other).

J: Don’t kick my cell phone.

M: Don’t tickle my feet.

J: Your feet smell so bad.”

M: My feet smell like FABRIC SOFTENER.

J: Bugger brains.

M; You’d better not say that. You’d better not.

J: Why do you need to hug me so much? You’re gross.

M: Your teeth are so yellow, how often do you brush?

J: I brush with your toothbrush, that’s why.

M: Stay off my nose! It’s damaged enough as it is!

J: No nipples!

M: Your breath smells awful.

J: Yours is worse.

B, “You know, all this thumping around is causing us to lose fuel efficiency.”

M: That makes absolutely no sense!”

J: Yeah, dad.

M: Okay, let’s stop fighting, I’m bored. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.,  I should call up Satan, get a little coal bed for me ready in hell.

J: Me, too. Get a coal suite. Man I’m done with violence. Hangin up my brass knuckles.

M: Hangin up the pitchfork.

J: Man, I stink. Should I take this shirt off?

M: No, that’s a good number of shirts to take off–J, stop hanging your shirt out the window. It’s going to cause an accident.

J: My pheremones are going to cause an accident?”

M: Oh my god, your shirt is soaked in sweat.

J: Beebopadoodop Pudding Pops. Bill Cosby one, atheists, zero. I want to shave off the scruff now.

M: Good.

J: Now that you said “good,” I change my mind.”

M: I’m done with this car ride. How many hours do we have left?”

A: Two hours.”

M: Shoot me now.

4 Responses to “The Long Ride Home from Grammy’s House”

  1. rowyn November 26, 2012 at 3:04 am #

    This could be a comedy sketch. Are all boys like that?

  2. H :) November 26, 2012 at 9:35 am #

    That was brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.

  3. Jonathan November 26, 2012 at 2:01 pm #

    Love it! The other two hours consisted of a discussion about Derrida, no doubt?

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