Everything I learned today I learned From the September 2012 Ladies Home Journal

29 Sep

DToday I had a two-and-a-half hour, completely pointless wait for an MRI. [They neglected to tell me when I told the genius receptionist I was checking in for my 1:00 appt. that it was actually at 3:00—ooooh, I was STEAMING..).Combined with two hours of Divorce Court being played at top volume, my powers of concentration were low, low, low. I was totally distracted by whether or not 42 year old Curtis should get a divorce because he wanted to be a stripper. “Who’s going to want to see that big old belly of yours?” scoffed his wife. But let me tell you, Curtis was quite the charmer, and the wife wasn’t giving him, um, how do I say this delicately, “any.” And Curtis was plainly not the ascetic type. So by the end of the episode I was pretty much a Curtis woman. I was pretty damn sure I’d have a few bucks for Curtis’s golden Mankini so he could live out his dream, big old belly or not.. . .

Although I didn’t quite have it in me to do anything constructive, I did manage to make a thorough study of the Ladies Home Journal, September 2012, and so I bring its wisdom to you, just in case you don’t have to spend all of eternity at the mercy of MRI establishment receptionists:

  1. 1.    You don’t have to put a tip in the tip jar at Dunkin Donuts.
  2. 2.    “Life is precious and you shouldn’t waste a minute of it with someone who isn’t reliable,” says Julianna Margulies, who plainly spent plenty of minutes with men who weren’t reliable.
  3. 3.    You’ll feel better if you dress up with some nice heels than if you wear your old sweatpants from college. (did they get my mother to write this?)
  4. 4.    Yes, you CAN get the new rotating, color-changing Airwick candle in “Fresh Snows and Sleighbells” scent—but only at Target.
  5. 5.    Breast cancer sucks.
  6. 6.    Foods that are good for your gut: appples, pears and berries, quinoa, nuts, psillium, water. (How is “psyllium” a food. Or water, for that matter)
  7. 7.    “”Taking probiotics may not urt you but there’s n guarantee they make you any healthier,” says Dr. Something Lee. (Really? Damn, says the woman whose diet consists of 75 percent Greek Yogurt)
  8. 8.    76 percent of American women have used their cell phones in the bathroom. Eeewwww.
  9. 9.    Delicious recipe idea: cake truffle rats. Also, eyeball cake.

10. 11. Fear of new foods is called food neophobia , or “Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder.” (Hold the snake etouffe)

11. Burgundy is the hot color for fall. (Crap, I thought it was oxblood—are all my accessories going to clash?)

12. Yes, that marriage COULD be saved.

13. 85 percent of people think a healthy smile can enhance connections we make. The other 15 percent never leave their darkened computer dens.

14. It’s good to embarrasss your kids. (Evidence? None. The author just liked describing how she embarrassed her kid.)

15. Pumpkins, shmumkins. Avoid the mess and bother by decorating “Funkins.”

16. If you want to know how quickly your system works, eat a piece of corn and look for how quickly the kernels “exit.”

 

Prompt: What would you name the article in which #16 appears? And, who’s right: Curtis or Mrs. Curtis? Also, what kind of really mean letter should I write to the MRI place? Or was glowering sufficient? 

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